With Lindsay Lohan in hiding and Paris Hilton doing the whole reformed bit, tabloids have had to turn to the remaining two wild children of Hollywood: Nicole Richie and Britney Spears. Of course Richie is supposedly all reformed too, now that she is with child. I could spend a lot of time posting pictures of her eating (yes, actual food) but I’ve never found that freaky, no-talent, ugly beast of interest. Therefore, we are left with Britney.

Britney Spears hit a parked car the other day and luckily there was plenty of photogs there to catch it. And even better than that is the video that also came of it:

First, notice that she is driving with one hand, the other is too busy holding some rat-animal that she probably found eating garbage in her bedroom. At the beginning of the video I was somewhat shocked to hear photographers asking Britney is she was ok and even more shocked when she responded nicely and said “I’m a braniac!” Eventually she asked the photogs if she had hurt her car, but didn’t ask about the station wagon she bumped into. I all out laughed when she opened the car door and the paparazzi swarmed to get pictures of her uncomfortably exiting the car. She was doing her best not to flash the beaver, which was all they wanted from her. By the end of the video I took pity on her. It can’t be easy to be followed so mercilessly every minute of the day. Still, she did her errand and left the scene without leaving a note or her information. You would think that knowing there were pictures and videos of the incident would incite some responsibility. You would think…

Britney also has a new line of fragrance coming out. What is with this push for all celebrities to come up with their own stink? Do they really sell that well? Well Brit went in to have her photo taken for the box and advertisements but eventually left in a huff. Since the shoot wasn’t over, Elizabeth Arden (the company behind the stink) pulled a tight-bodied stylist from behind the camera and took the pictures that way. Now they are going to superimpose Britney’s head on that hot body:

“She looked amazing, but she left the shoot three times in a state of distress before driving away for good,” our source said. “They had decent shots of her face, but not her body, so the art director made the stylist – a cute girl name Kylie Cavaco – get in Britney’s clothes and pose.

“They are superimposing Britney’s head on Kylie’s body. Kylie has the body Brit used to have, not the one she has now.”

I’m getting the feeling that someone told Britney she looked fat so she left. Hence the hotter body for her head. It makes good marketing sense.

Britney is starting to get verbally bashed in public. A young fan ran up to her for an autograph but the girl’s mother got in the way and started screaming at Brit. This is how it went down:

“EXCUSE ME…but I hope you get your life together, work things out with your mother – then start taking care of your children! Family is the most important thing in the world!”Grimacing through this tirade, Britney snarkily smacked gum and blew bubbles – popping them loudly. The mom – uncowed by Britney’s rage-a-holic rep – went right in her face and scolded: “You have absolutely NO manners! You have dirty habits, and you’re a terrible example for young girls – not to mention your fans…if you still have any!”The mortified (yet obviously still star-struck) daughter recoiled as Brit suddenly spit out her pink gum-wad and screamed at the mother: “LADY…MIND YOUR OWN F—–G BUSINESS!” – then stormed off down the street.”

Jessica Simpson has somehow managed to get cast in an army movie, despite the last movie she did being sent directly to DVD. Apparently she has also tapped into her inner diva:

“Jessica is acting like a spoiled brat. She throws tantrums and gripes about the heat. After a week of having to tolerate her, we’re all ready for her to pack her bags and hit the road.”…”Jessica barely speaks to her co-star, Vivica A. Fox, and insists on eating by herself in her trailer rather than in the tents set up for the cast and crew! And while Vivica and everyone else walk the set, Jessica has a driver ferry her from one location to the next – even if she only has to walk 100 feet!”…The magazine claims that Jessica has hired four assistants for the movie and apparently screams at them left and right. “She went on a loud tirade, screaming at the wardrobe people because her outfit was too hot and she was sweating. She spouted the F-word like a sailor. Her F-bombs were heard practically all over the base. Everyone was mortified.”

Well, what happened to that sweet and smiley Jessica that almost landed a Christian pop album when she was younger but it didn’t happen because her breasts were too big? She needs to wake up and realize that she can’t act, sing or even be nice. All you are Jessica, is spank material for pubescent boys who can’t get their hands on a Playboy. Know your place.

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and assorted children have landed in Chicago. I repeat, the Messiah has landed. I was a bit confused when I read this because she had been spotted in Chicago earlier this past week but apparently she left and flew back. She is in town to film Wanted, her latest action/thriller.

TMZ.com has put together a time line of John Travolta’s amazing hair appearance and disappearance act. Its a nice wig…ok, no it isn’t. But who does he think he is fooling? And to be honest he looks better without that rug. John, age gracefully…or wear a hat.

Trash Corner:

Who is this Rumer Willis person and why is she in every tabloid, every day? I get that she is Bruce Willis’ daughter, but what the hell? I think we are seeing Nicole Richie 2.0 Beta. She has all the talent of 1.0 but hasn’t quite perfected the coke and heroin habit. Word has it she is already good friends with Lindsay Lohan. Coming up next, Rumer’s first DUI!

Brody Jenner is a ho and is having a birthday party. I don’t care but I think I should warn anyone who plans to attend it to purchase a body condom, for their own safety.

Guilty Pleasure of the Day:

I love Project Runway, but I’m somewhat concerned that Jay McCarroll is homeless and without his own line. I do find it somewhat fitting that Jeffrey Sebelia has only managed to get work making clothing for plastic dolls that are dressed like hookers. What is Bravo doing? Are they letting these designers win and then ignoring their existence once the show has aired? Imagine that…