The Nightmare WAY Before Christmas

July 29th, 2009 by motivelesscrime View Comments »

I went on an innocent shopping spree this past weekend with the intention of buying myself something nice in celebration of some personal victories. Little did I know that this particular day of shopping would be, at best, nightmarish. Sure, I enjoyed myself, even bought exactly what I wanted despite an overzealous sales associate. But what bit the day in the ass was something I saw at a major department store. What I saw was so out of place, so inappropriate, so…wrong.

I saw Christmas decorations, in July.

Department Store Christmas DisplayMost of us Americans have surely noticed that as each year passes storefronts display their Christmas fanfare earlier and earlier. Of course other holidays normally take the stage before this happens. I recall last year being mortified when Halloween candy found its way into my supermarket in the beginning of August. If memory serves, most major stores waited until at least September, if not October, to set up their tacky fake Christmas trees and jolly fat-ass Santas. Not this year, oh no.

I’m not anti-Christmas by any means. I have been known to enjoy the season with the proverbial cocktail and candy cane in hand. But that has always been when the weather has reached below 60. As it is, it hasn’t even fallen below 80. So when I walked into the perfume and makeup department to be assaulted with shiny red garland hung around the counters like bunting, I had to do a mental check that I hadn’t blacked out and missed the last three months of my life.

There atop the various counter islands were small green gnome sized trees baring silver globes with red accents. True to advertising standards since the late 90’s, there were no mangers with babies surrounded by farm animals. There were no images of Jesus. But make no mistake, this was a Christmas display.

Once the initial shock wore off and I unclenched my jaw, I let the horror of the scene filter through and I began to question why any national company would okay such a drastic raping of the yearly calendar’s fixed holiday schedule. The answer was clear immediately: People spend more money when the holidays roll around. So, why not make them think that stockings and snow are just around the corner? Perhaps the average American won’t do the simple math in their head and notice the marketing ploy at their feet? Sadly, this is probably true.

Evil Corporate SantaThe economy sucks right now (and that is putting it mildly). Consumers are spending less because they have less. Unemployment is reaching new highs by the month. Health care doesn’t seem to be making any progress, and gay rights are seemingly becoming fewer and fewer. Yet economists tell us that we have to be good American consumers. We have to spend in order to see change. Spending creates jobs, jobs create income and therefore could lead to things like basic human rights or even the ability to pay your hospital bill when it comes due (and it will). But here is the rub: spending what we don’t have is where we went wrong to begin with.

I guess that is the real reason I’m fuming over this Christmas marketing ploy. It’s a form of mental warfare. It’s a subliminal attempt to trick the lower and middle classes into spending cash and credit they don’t have and shouldn’t be using on frivolous expenses. I, myself, was a little leery of spending any of my money on such things. I pity anyone who falls for this deceitful marketing ploy because it will backfire when it counts the most.

Consider the possibility that a low-earning family sees the covert decorations and falls for the effects. They get into a cheery mood and start noticing all of the little pretties around the store. Money is low, jobs are perilously dangling, but hey, as long as there is money for food, gas and water, surely what meager amount is left over can be used to keep the smiles on everyone’s beaming little faces. Just buy something; it’ll make all your troubles go away. Don’t have the cash? Charge it! It isn’t like you will see it on your statement until the next month.

But what if you get a flat tire? What if a pipe bursts? What if someone gets sick and needs medication? The visit to the doctor alone will drain your account of at least $100, with or without insurance. Americans have been trained to follow the instant-gratification rule. Why wait when you can have it now? It looks like Christmas in the store. So, why not indulge in a little Christmas joy right here, right now?

Nightmare Before ChristmasIf one sits and thinks about the state of American consumerism for long enough, it can suck the living magic out of Christmas. Luckily, in the past, that magic has been contained to a small part of the year. That is what made it special. It was what we saved for, waited for, and hoped for. But conglomerates are stealing this magic from us with every day that they force it on us too early. Spend that money now; it won’t be there on Christmas morning. Buy little Johnny or Stacie that new toy and that amazing excitement and anticipation that comes on Christmas morning will be a little less so. The presents will be smaller, fewer.

At the end of the day, putting Christmas half a year early is in a way robbing us of the actual holiday. It’s exploitation of the worst kind. Going out and helping a major corporation’s bottom line might look good as the next round of quarterly earnings hit the market. But if the money is gone when the most important period in the American economy sneaks up on us, how will those numbers reflect the current state of our finances? Using such blatant trickery paints a very nasty color on all of us and takes away that magic in Santa’s smile. In fact, it makes it just a little bit menacing, knowing and threatening. Those little trees with shiny bobbles surrounded in glittery red garland in July are the real Nightmare Before Christmas.

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Guilty Pleasures

July 16th, 2009 by motivelesscrime View Comments »

The internet is all ablaze with the glory of celebrity scandal today. Bad news for the likes of Madonna, Orlando Bloom and Mischa Barton…good news for those of us who love bad news (as long as it isn’t related to us directly). This is the basic premise of celebrity gossip after all: schadenfreude.

  • Madonna France Stage CollapseFirst off, Twitter is all about Madonna and what her opulence has caused today. If you haven’t seen her latest tour, called Sticky & Sweet (bukkake anyone?), it is FAGULOUS. Yes, that’s right, I’m coining a new phrase. No matter the venue, that woman/being knows how to put on a big and glittery show (minus the artistry/class of other gay icons i.e. Cher or Bette Midler). That being said, the stage for her tour is huge and the weight of such a massive traveling structure has finally collapsed on itself…and a few people as well. While being assembled at the Stade Velodrome stadium in Marseille, France, the stage fell apart today, crashing down on several workers. So far reports say that at least six people have been rushed to the hospital and one D-E-A-D. It goes without saying that the concert has been canceled.
  • Mischa Barton Needs a PsychiatristSpeaking of crazy she-animals, it was reported early today that Mischa Barton (of The OC fame) was “removed” from her West Hollywood home late Wednesday afternoon. Before going any further, let’s just make sure you understand who this psycho bitch is. She is well-known in the Hollywood social scene for being a little…off. She tends to self-medicate with anything she can get her hands on. In fact in February 2008 she was charged with DUI and marijuana possession (just the tip of the iceberg if you ask me). So, it should come as no surprise that newer reports today have escalated the starlet’s current state. It appears dear Mischa has been placed under psychiatric hold and transferred to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. Mischa, age 23, has a new show coming out on the CW this fall though that may be tossed in the crapper if she doesn’t get her shit together. Following in the footsteps of Britney (who has been placed on psychiatric hold twice so far) isn’t a good idea. Hopefully she will just turn out to have had a bad trip on some magic-mushrooms.
  • Orlando BloomOn the less deadly/psychotic side of things: Orlando Bloom has been robbed. The actor, who has been in NYC lately, also has a home in the Hollywood Hills. Yesterday thieves broke into said home and absconded with roughly $500,000 in loot. So far no one has been arrested, but fingerprints were taken at the scene.
  • Entertainment Weekly Iron Man 2 CoverEnough with the celeb-drama! How about some good ole’ fluff? Images of the main characters in the upcoming Iron Man 2 have emerged in the upcoming issue of Entertainment Weekly. I have to say I didn’t see the first and probably won’t see the second but I loves me anything with Scarlett Johannsson. Ms. Scarlett appears to be playing a character named the Black Widow. Not sure if I care for the hair-color but I’m sure its appropriate somehow. Hope she plays a slutty villian…PS That is Mickey Rourke in there too. Scary, no?
  • Just a little bit more sad news: Kim Cattrall is single again. Aw.

Time for another BLIND ITEM!!! I know you love them, so shut it:

Katherine Heigl - Crazy Eyes“Of course everyone is excited to discover who will get an Emmy nod later today. What is far more interesting, though, are the preparations being made for one potential non-nominee. Her staff is gearing up for the worst. They have removed all breakables from the vicinity, and have a bottle of valium at the ready. They have also instructed all non-essential staff to check the nominations before coming in to work so they will know whether they should wear regular work attire or riot gear.”(Blind Gossip)

Hmmm…Katherine Heigl?

Guilty Pleasure of the Day:

Taylor Lautner Should do Gay Porn

I don’t really know who this kid, Taylor Lautner, is but apparently he was in some vampire movie called Twilight. No, I’m not a fan. Yes, he is purrrty to look at. BUT the real reason I’m interested in this is because somehow this photo-shoot for Interview Magazine doesn’t make him look like an “it” boy but rather a gay porn star. Seriously, this shit looks like it could be on SeanCody or CorbinFisher! Plus a video:

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Guilty Pleasures

July 9th, 2009 by motivelesscrime View Comments »
  • Rachel Weisz Hates BotoxRachel Weisz graces the cover of UK’s Harper’s Bazaar in their August 2009 edition. She tells the British fashion magazine that she isn’t a fan of all the poison-laced foreheads in Hollywood, “It should be banned for actors, as steroids are for sportsmen,” Weisz who is 39 continued, saying “Acting is all about expression; why would you want to iron out a frown?” Ok, I love Rachel. Would dress up as her for Halloween if I enjoyed doing drag. But come on! Look at that cover shot! Not only is she staring at the camera as if she plans on eating it, but her body looks like that of an emaciated crack baby. Not to mention the obvious photo-shopping. I guess she is okay with looking perfect in print as long as no one stabs her forehead with botulism. Covering a fear of needles with the excuse of high morals is lame.
  • Megan Fox Will Eat Your Heart OutI said it two days ago in Guilty Pleasures: Megan Fox looks like a vampire. The day after I stated that stills from her upcoming film, Fangoria, which is some-kinda-effed-up Sci-fi/Vampire flick, came out. I rest my case that she is a blood-sucker. This doesn’t look even remotely as sexy as Interview with a Vampire, Twilight or my personal fave True Blood. This is a slasher film featuring the white-trash version of Angelina Jolie. Coming to a theater near you on September 18th!
  • Harry Potter and Draco MalfoyGuilty Pleasures has a new blind item!!! This one is short and sweet and kinda easy to figure out:

Which magical actor is a hit with the ladies but keeps joking that they’re wasting his time as his wand swings the other way? (3am Girls)

Hmmm. Magical…actor…wand…No comment.

  • If you missed it, Miss Leighton Meester is trying to make that ever-dangerous leap from actress to singer/actress. First it was a guest vocal spot on Cobra Starship‘s new single, “Good Girls Go Bad” which I LOVE. Now it appears she has a full-blown album coming out, and within the past week her first single leaked entitled “Body Control” (no she isn’t singing about any special undergarment that hides extra fat):
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Leighton used her often forgotten Twitter account to say this today: “Wasn’t expecting anyone to hear Body Control yet, but I’m so happy everyone’s loving it!Thank you so much.Excited for the rest of the album!”

  • Jared Leto Looks Pretty with EyelinerIn other semi-stupid music news, there appears to be beef between 30 Seconds to Mars frontman and C-list movie actor, Jared Leto and the ubiquitous Death Cab for Cutie. Ben Gibbard and Nick Harmer from DCfC  both spoke to Spinner magazine with Harmer stating, “Not to throw anyone under the bus, but Jared Leto and his band 30 Seconds to Mars — he’s acting the part.” Gibbard went on to say almost the same thing word-for-word, “He’s a professional actor in music; so there’s no way to feel any sincerity about his position as a musician… Because he makes a living playing characters — so why wouldn’t he be able to take a step forward? Then you’re also acting what you think a rock star should act like.” So far Leto hasn’t rebuffed. Hell, he is probably just happy to have his name in print somewhere. Poor guy, someone should send him some eyeliner and a muffin basket.

Guilty Pleasure of the Day:

James Franco was supposed to deliver a speech at his UCLA Commencent ceremony but reportedly backed out of the commitment. Some say its because of this video that he was actually told he couldn’t speak:

I know some of you probably noticed the length of the video and gave up on it but it is hilarious and obviously a joke but I couldn’t help but guffaw around 2:45 when he talks about having a college degree being a guaranteed job. HAHA! Then he goes on to compare himself with Barack Obama. Epic.

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